The problem is that cheesesteaks are the type of thing you shouldn’t eat unless it’s superbly created. When you order one there’s the implicit agreement between the mind and body that you’re about to consume something that will, in some fashion, devastate every organ you have. Anything less than near-perfection is a bad trade.

I’ve encountered this “cheesesteak remorse” on many occasions – that feeling that a sub-standard cheesesteak has claimed that little piece of health that should have gone toward a kick-ass cheesteak. It takes the right mix of spices, onions, meat texture, and cheese to make a convincing argument against living a few more years. That’s why I roll my eyes when I see Subway trying to make them.

So, it is with great consideration that I recommend Fred’s Downtown Philly Cheesesteaks in Richardson and Plano as the tops in town. They’ve got it down to an art: chopped-up peppered-steak jiblets toasted crisp and mixed with caramelized onions, layered within a well-proportioned hoagie on a bed of melty-cheese. It makes that golden cru-squersh sound with every bite. No regrets here.

Fred’s looks slightly more appealing than a mess hall, but, like the main dish, it’s not meant to be pretty. You get a sense of the place by seeing their website devote a page to “Our Women Patrons.”

Hats off to all the cheesesteak eatin’ ladies out there.

The name itself should evoke images of a grimy, local joint dishing out hearty slices of New York-styled pizza. Crispy dough, thick sauce that burns your tongue, melty cheese, and sausage so flavorful only Everybody Loves Raymond’s Marie’s recipe could produce. And while the pizza wasn’t a complete letdown, less could be said for the rest of the restaurant.

I was surprised to discover the restaurant relies completely on a self-service system. Our party walked in and foolishly waited for a hostess to seat us. After 15 minutes of self-consciousness, we finally decided to grab one of the waiters racing by. We were instructed to get in line, order, and seat ourselves. We even had to get our own utensils! Call me spoiled, but the least I expect from a restaurant is not having to get up to get your own silverware when the food comes.

Their tag line: “We make it like we made it back in Brooklyn. Where we made it like we made it back in Italy.” I may not be Italian, but I’ve eaten enough Italian food to deem myself certified. Unless by Italy they mean Generic Factory Town, America, the ad is definitely slipping on some infringement issues.

Bottom line: For $3.49 per ginormous slice, the food’s decent for the bargain. If you’re really hungry, order a slice of the Stuffed Meat Pie ($4.99/slice). One slice could probably feed an appetite and a half. With a vast variety of toppings, you’ll certainly find something suitable to your palate. However, if you’re feeling like some pasta, do yourself a favor and drive down the street to Olive Garden.

Locations: Allen, Frisco, Garland, McKinney, and Plano.